


all I know is I cannot pretend (I'm sitting on the outside again)

by geler7 (forestblue)



Category: Solve for I - Anna Dooland, Under My Skin - Anna Dooland
Genre: Angst, Comedy, F/F, F/M, Gen, No happy ending here, also if you can guess who the blond guy in the first chapter is based on i'll give you a cookie, idek what's happening a character just appeared out of nowhere, it's literally just angst and at times it's funny because Gemma is adorable, so if i get them completely wrong plz don't kill me, this is the first time i try to write about anyone in asy's books
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-02 03:48:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8650213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forestblue/pseuds/geler7
Summary: A series of one-shots depicting Gemma, her feelings for Sarah, and the tragic reality of them being unrequited. (well, mostly...)ORThe one where Gemma gets her heart broken over and over, and Sarah is oblivious until she isn't.(Title taken from Marina and the Diamonds' "The Outsider")





	1. just because you know my name

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Asynca](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asynca/gifts).



Gemma finds herself sitting on a dirty couch (she’d really like to forget just _how_ dirty it is, considering she’s seen about 37% of the partygoers do _something_ on it. Yes, she worked out the estimation. It’s a nervous habit). She stares at random people grinding against each other under the pretenses of dancing, while she takes a sip from her _really_ strong drink (the drink is pretty much all vodka; she can still taste _some_ apple juice, but it’s certainly less than 30%). Her vision might have gotten a bit hazy in the past hour, but she can see clearly enough to realize that Sarah has been missing from the crowd for a while.

What is Gemma _doing_ here? This isn’t her scene. She doesn’t even _know_ anyone here. Her colleagues in Math aren’t exactly the type to come to frat parties; their type of party includes activities that Sarah deems as ‘too nerdy’, so Gemma politely refuses any invitations. Besides, she knows why her best friend comes to these places, and it definitely isn’t to sit on a couch with her. By this point, Sarah is most definitely sitting on _someone_ instead (probably her newest boyfriend. Mike? Matt? Something with an M, anyway. She doesn’t even bother with the statistics). Serves Gemma right for accepting her best friend’s invitation (it wasn’t as if she had much of a choice; Sarah had more or less dragged her here).

Gemma sighs, downs the contents of the solo cup in one gulp, and moves to get up from the couch. A wave of dizziness suddenly hits her as she pushes herself on her feet, and she regrets finishing her drink (was the room spinning earlier, too? She can’t really remember). As she’s stumbling through the house in search for an exit, she feels rough hands pull at her waist, turning her around. She looks up to see a man with blue sparkling eyes winking at her. She knows what Sarah would do in her position. Correction, she knows _who_ Sarah would do (the alcohol must be really affecting her; she doesn't even _think_ jokes like that). The thought makes her feel nauseous, however, and the man notices her discomfort and lets her go with an apologetic smile. He says something, but she doesn’t hear him over the loud music blasting through the speakers.

When she finally finds the exit, she takes a deep breath, filling her lungs with the crisp March air. Her nausea is still present, but she’s fairly sure she can make it back to the dorm without incident. Still, she decides to play it safe and take a few minutes to cool off on the steps in front of the house. It can’t be more than a couple of minutes later when she hears someone approaching from behind. She smiles for a moment, thinking that maybe Sarah came back for her (but that’s illogical, Sarah can’t be in two places at once; unless she has a _clone_ , which is another _impossibility_ , and just _how_ much did she drink again?).

She turns around to see the same guy with the blue eyes looking at her with concern. He walks towards her and hands her a solo cup filled with water. She blushes at the kind gesture, and rubs at her neck with her free hand to hide the fact that it spread all the way to her chest.

“Hey, are you okay? I’m sorry if I scared you earlier.” He moves to sit on the stairs, leaving a considerable amount of space between them. She breathes a quiet sigh of relief at that, and the color of her cheeks returns to normal.

She notices that he doesn’t seem drunk at all. Maybe he’s the designated driver of his group? He doesn’t _seem_ like the responsible friend type. And yet, here he is, checking up on a complete stranger. His choppy blond hair is a stark contrast to Sarah’s brown, and his blue eyes remind Gemma of lazy days spent on the beach with her best friend.

Gemma snaps out of her thoughts, realizing that she still hasn’t answered his question. He looks at her expectantly.

“Y-yes, I’m fine. Just needed some air.” His inquisitive gaze makes her stutter, and she berates herself for her inability to give simple answers without stumbling over her words. He chuckles at her response, and leans his head back to look at the sky.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. It can get too intense in there.” The way he speaks makes Gemma feel like there’s a story behind his words, but it’s not her place to ask. She nods, even though she’s pretty sure he can’t see it, and drinks some of the water. His eyes find hers again.

“You looked lost. I saw you sitting on the couch, and I thought ‘what’s a girl like _that_ doing at a party like _this_ ’? Then I wondered why no one had tried to approach you, seeing how pretty you are.” He winks to prove his point, then continues. “Anyway, I’m not going to be one of those guys asking for a threesome. I should’ve realized you were gay from the way you-”

 

Gemma chokes on her water. She goes beet red, her heart is pounding furiously, and the little food she ate for dinner threatens to make its way back up her throat.

“W-WHAT? I’m not, I-I’m not… _gay_.” She hates the way she says it, almost in a whisper. She knows people with different sexualities, and she’s always been supportive ( _fuck_ , she sounded so homophobic).

The guy widens his eyes at her response, and he raises his hands in apology.

“ _Shit_ , I’m sorry. Must’ve read the signs wrong. I’m bi, and I usually have a pretty good gaydar. Not this time, apparently. Weird, I’m never- never mind. Let’s start over. I’m Clark.”

His rambling calms Gemma down somewhat. She can still hear her heart pounding, but the contents of her stomach remain where they belong. She clears her throat, and offers a shaky hand in greeting.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Gemma.”

They talk about their uni courses (Math and Medicine; Gemma would never have guessed him for a doctor - but then again, she never would have guessed he was bi), then Clark makes fun of the horrible ‘modern artwork’ on display in their campus. Gemma feels relaxed for the first time since Sarah left. The thought makes her frown.

“So, you want to tell me what you were doing in there if you _weren’t_ ogling pretty girls?” Clark’s amused smile is comforting, and his eyes communicate that she’s not obligated to answer.

“I was looking for my best friend. She left at some point, but I didn’t notice she was missing until later.”

Clark’s smile falls, and he looks worried. He’s about to ask something, but Gemma interrupts before he can speak.

“No, no, it’s nothing like that. Sare was here with uh, with her boyfriend, and they probably just left early.” Gemma feels uncomfortable with the explanation, but luckily, Clark understands. He stares at her for a few moments longer (looking like he’s staring straight into her soul), before nodding and getting up. Gemma is taken aback by his sudden change of behavior, but before she can formulate a question, he starts talking.

“I see. I’m not going to force you to talk about it, Gemma. We’ve barely met, and that kind of conversation?  _Way_ too heavy right now. Here’s my number, though, in case you ever feel confused and want to talk with someone who understands what you’re going through.” Clark takes a business card out of his pocket and hands it to her before walking back inside.

Gemma wants to tell him that she’s confused _right now_ , for multiple reasons (one of them being the fact that a fellow student just offered her his business card). The card’s logo is a paintbrush dripping with rainbow-colored paint - he’s a freelance artist; that explains it. But what about that cryptic sentence? She racks her brain, trying to find a reason for it, but the only solution she arrives at is that it was a roundabout way of telling her he’s interested in dating her. Or maybe that he’d like to be friends? She was never good at deciphering what people meant. And she’s drunk (she doesn’t really _feel_ drunk anymore, but statistically she _should_ be, so yeah).

She thinks about whether Sarah will be back in their shared dorm tonight. She scrunches up her nose in distaste. Not likely. When she feels herself getting sick again, she pushes the thought away, and finally decides to go back to her dorm. She’ll sleep until noon, take some pills to cure her hangover, and everything will be fine (if there’s a tiny part of her that tells her nothing will be fine, it’s promptly ignored).

 


	2. do I have to lie to make my way in life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gemma and Sarah visit Greece after graduation.

Graduating uni might be a godsend for Sarah, but Gemma is terrified. She had become used to the campus, to the hallways which were always in construction (and seemed to move around like the stairs in Hogwarts), and to the people, who mostly ignored everyone around them – either because they were busy, or tired (though usually both). After uni comes the next logical step in the average person’s life: getting a job. The job itself isn’t a problem, as Gemma is _really_ good at math. However, securing a job would most likely prove difficult, considering Gemma’s people skills are- less than satisfactory, to put it mildly. Sarah is the only person she’s comfortable talking with for extended periods of time, and Gemma manages to make a fool out of herself even then.

Well, at least she doesn’t have to think about CVs, applications and interviews for a while. Sarah has booked them a trip to Greece – to a small village named Metamorfosi - because ‘some Mediterranean sun will do you good, Gem’ (Gemma refrained from answering that there isn’t some separate Mediterranean sun, realizing Sarah was baiting her to do exactly that). By her estimation, Gemma will be as red as a tomato sometime during the first week of their trip (not surprising, considering the fact that the sun shines 48% of the time; Gemma really _is_ in sore need of this vacation – her nervous habit is becoming a bit of a problem). She triple-checks that everything is in order with her luggage – it is – and sits down on the bed to relax (she briefly wonders if she should pack a second bottle of sunscreen, even though she estimates using only about 80% of one; she quickly dismisses the idea, knowing that Sarah would make fun of her for being overly cautious).

The airport is filled with so many people, and everyone is moving so quickly that it makes Gemma’s head spin. Her heart is hammering painfully in her chest, but it calms down when Sarah takes her hand. Gemma doesn’t know how, but Sarah can always tell when something is wrong with Gemma and knows exactly what to do to fix it (she’s really thankful for Sarah’s uncanny perceptiveness, it’s probably saved her life at some point). Airport security is far less scary with Sarah’s reassuring smiles and silly gestures; Gemma is soon sitting in the window seat of the plane, watching the ground below grow smaller, her impending responsibilities left behind.

* * *

 

Greece is exactly the kind of distraction that Gemma needed. The first week is filled with random walks around the town, making silly comments and taking funny pictures. Gemma doesn’t know if she’s ever laughed so much in public. They try out a new restaurant for each meal, and soon enough, a small family restaurant becomes their favorite, and it’s not about the quality of the food (because it’s great everywhere), but about how nice the waiters are. Metamorfosi is really small, but it’s filled with personality; one moment they’re listening to an old man play the mandolin, and in the next they’re having their fortunes told by a short woman with emerald eyes (the woman doesn’t even know English that well, but she makes up for it by gesticulating wildly and pointing at pictures on ancient-looking tarot cards). If Gemma is being honest, spending her summer holidays with Sarah is the most fun thing ever (even more so than when she figured out an algorithm in _Farmville_ which cropped the time for harvesting in half – pun intended).

It’s the middle of the second week, and they’re sitting lazily on the beach, a big white umbrella providing cover from the deadly afternoon sun. As predicted, Gemma’s skin is almost as red as her hair; she’s had to use extra sunscreen to combat the strong rays, so the first bottle is already finished (in the end, she _did_ actually pack that second bottle – without mentioning it to Sarah, of course). Not many people spend their afternoon on the beach, so it’s quiet. Only the soothing sound of the waves can be heard, and Gemma’s thoughts slowly drift away. She’s almost asleep when Sarah _painfully_ nudges her awake.

“Gem, look to your left! Wait, don’t be too obvious about it.”

Still in a bit of a daze, Gemma doesn’t register the second half of Sarah’s words until she’s already whipped her head to look at whatever her best friend pointed out. She finds nothing out of the ordinary, just a young man gathering seashells in the sand. Gemma turns to Sarah in confusion, frowning when she sees the look on Sarah’s face (it tells her that Sarah is scheming something that involves Gemma, and it will most likely end with Gemma embarrassing herself). Sarah raises her eyebrow in challenge, and Gemma sighs in defeat (it’s no use trying to fight Sarah when she’s determined; besides, she’s incredibly persuasive, and Gemma can never say no to her, no matter how badly she wants to).

So she listens to Sarah explain that the young man (named Giorgos, apparently, because Sarah had overheard someone yelling his name earlier) has been staring at them for a while – if Sarah is to believed, he has been staring at _Gemma_ since he set foot on the beach. Gemma tries to tell her that he’s probably just staring at Sarah’s _boobs_ , and is interested in seeing them out of the swimsuit, or that if he _is_ staring at Gemma, it’s because she’s almost burnt to a crisp. Sarah laughs and pats Gemma’s shoulders gingerly, offering to put some more cream.

Gemma quickly agrees, thankful for the kind gesture, then realizes she’s made a mistake when she notices a familiar glint in Sarah’s eyes. Sarah saunters to the bag, and bends way more than necessary to retrieve the bottle of sunscreen. If her face wasn’t red enough already, Gemma feels like it’s caught on fire. She’s too busy hiding her face in her hands, so she jumps a bit when she feels Sarah’s cool fingers glide down her back. Sarah leans in closer, and Gemma feels like she’s going to explode (her face has turned an even deeper shade of red from embarrassment; _god_ , she hopes Giorgos isn’t looking at them). Sarah helpfully whispers that Giorgos is indeed looking, and that he only has eyes for Gemma. She doesn’t know if she should be flattered, or afraid. She chances a look towards her left, and catches the man staring. He looks embarrassed to be caught, and quickly averts his eyes.

“See? I _told_ you he has a thing for you. And… I’m done with the cream. You can go talk to prince charming, now.”

Gemma doesn’t even know when Sarah finished spreading the cream or when she pulled her up to her feet, but she definitely feels the push that Sarah gives her towards Giorgos. She turns to glare at Sarah for a moment, then resigns herself to going to talk to the man, knowing that it’s the only way to get her best friend off her back.

He looks up as she gets closer, eyes widening in surprise. Giorgos quickly gets up and shakes the sand off of his pants (she notices that he’s shirtless and feels her cheeks burn again). He smiles when he learns her name, telling Gemma that it suits a woman of her beauty. He takes her hand and offers to show her the best places to find seashells on the beach. She looks back at Sarah, and sees her best friend giving her a _very obvious_ thumbs-up. Turning back to Giorgos (who looks really eager to spend time with her), she can’t find it in herself to refuse. She does feel less embarrassed about her awkwardness when he trips over a small boulder in his excitement. Gemma doesn’t have the heart to refuse his dinner proposal, either, so later in the day, Sarah helps her pick out a dress for her date.

* * *

 

The dinner goes well, and Giorgos seems to know a bit about everything, so conversation flows easily. At the end of their date, he walks her home, and Gemma can feel her anxiety skyrocketing. She doesn’t know what his intentions are, but she really hopes that he won’t push his luck after one date. Gemma feels her pulse return to normal as Giorgio simply kisses her cheek after they arrive in front of the hotel.

“Well, I hope to see you again, _Gemma_.” His soft pronunciation of her name makes her smile (it seems Sarah was right for once, and her plan didn’t end horribly).

“I’d like that, Giorgos. I had a really good time tonight.” Giorgos seems very pleased with her response, and grins.

“Maybe next time you can bring your, uh, _special_  friend along and we can all have some fun together?”

Gemma’s eyes widen, her heart feels like it’s trying to escape from her chest, and she feels frozen in place. She opens and closes her mouth, but no words come out. After a few tense moments of silence, she finally manages to regain her voice.

“I-I… w-what are you even _suggesting?_ ” Gemma almost screams the last word. She can feel her hands shaking at her sides.

Giorgos has the decency to look away guiltily, and stumbles through his next words.

“Oh. Uh, I-I apologize. I thought this was what you and your… _partner?..._ What you two wanted with me. I’ll just… go. I’m sorry, again.”

He leaves without looking back, and Gemma stands in the same spot for minutes, until Sarah comes out of the hotel. When Sarah notices her expression, she grows concerned and rushes towards Gemma.

“Oh my god, Gem! Are you okay? What happened? What did he do?” She fires the questions in rapid succession while checking for any signs of physical injuries. Gemma snaps out of her daze, and shakes her head.

“No. Giorgos, he… nothing happened, Sare. I’m alright, really.”

Sarah looks at Gemma like she grew two extra heads, then she takes her hand and pulls her towards their shared room. Once they reach the room, Sarah motions for Gemma to explain. Gemma knows what Sarah’s reaction would be to what Giorgos said. She’d laugh it off, just like Gemma should have. But instead, Gemma had to make it a big deal and embarrass herself _and_ Sarah in front of someone.

She remembers his words, and feels her stomach clench at the unwanted image that pops into her head. She sees a naked Sarah getting fucked from behind by Giorgos, and reaching out to touch Gemma (touch her _how_? Everything looks hazy in Gemma’s mind, like she couldn’t even imagine such a thing actually happening). She shakes her head to make the image disappear, but the only effect it has is the addition of a headache.

Knowing that Sarah won’t let her off the hook unless she tells her what prompted that particular reaction, Gemma lies.

“He kissed me.”

It’s technically not a lie (and that’s why she actually manages to sell it to Sarah; she’s a horrible liar). Gemma knows she made the right choice when Sarah’s eyes brighten and she smiles, patting the space next to her on the bed and prompting Gemma to recount her date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took a while to finish, because 1) I didn't know where I was going with it, and 2) I had uni assignments to finish.  
> hope you guys liked this chapter!  
> also, tell me if there's something in particular that you'd want to see (like Gemma interacting with a certain character, or the action taking place in a certain setting)  
> I'm still figuring out what I want with the third and fourth chapters, so there's space for your suggestions :)

**Author's Note:**

> So that happened. It wasn't even as angsty as I originally planned, but there you go. Characters like Clark appear out of nowhere and make Gemma feel better. Somewhat.  
> Also, I really love how Gemma just ignores that particular detail on Clark's business card. Ah, the sweet stench of denial.


End file.
